literature

The Awakening - Chapter 1

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The once proud Tzarian city of Kolett lay devastated in fire in the wake of warring Gods.  It had once been filled with laughing children and their pets and toys, bustling marketplaces bursting with music and some of the most prosperous people of Caelar.  Tall and wildly wiry trees had dotted the city streets and filled the air with a sweet and sensuous smell; now only ash and death remained.

Burning remnants of rounded, doorless abodes crackled and crumbled from the heat; the brick-laid streets were unrecognizable under rubble and debris.  Thousands lay dead amongst the ruins, the odd surviving animal darting out in panic as the wind blew about the hot embers and thick flames.  The bodies of the ethereally beautiful Tzarians were littered throughout, the terrified looks etched forever on their faces, haunting eyes often agape and hollow.

Atoli stirred beneath a mass of wood and stone that nearly crushed him.  He groaned and blinked harshly at the dust floating in the air in an attempt to gain his senses.  The crackle of fire was loud on his ears, and the heat was burning his face.  A forceful uplift from his muscle-bound legs pushed him free from the rubble and his long, delicate fingers traced over the long gash across his chest.  His pale lilac skin was burned, bruised and bleeding; large and woody hoof-like feet were charred and flickered like a burned out tree.  

Vibrant azure eyes looked over the bodies that surrounded him and darkened as he peered through the fallen roof to the smoke-filled sky above.  His mouthless face almost seemed to frown, becoming sorrowful and broken as he stepped out of the ruined building and looked upon his fallen city.

"The Gods have truly abandoned us."

He aimlessly wandered the streets looking for survivors.  Instead, he found the remains of friends who were barely recognizable, shattered windows, burnt silk fabrics and utterly destroyed statues.  The trees were gone, the markets were indistinguishable, and not a single bit of life but him seemed to remain within the confines of the city.  

With each painful step his hoofed appendages smoldered like a dying campfire brushed by a soft breeze.  His eyes were squinted and watery, lungs burning from the smoke.  Stray sparks and ash whipped up and lingered about his legs as he stopped at the final house.  He closed his stinging, tearful eyes before stepping through the silken curtain that remained awkwardly hanging in the entryway.  Beside the body of a small Tzarian boy, he found a young lote who clung to life.  She was tiny and delicate, being feline in nature.  Atoli's eyes lightened slightly at the sight of the small animal which his people so revered.  The creature opened her eyes weakly at the tall man and whimpered quietly as she attempted to move.

He knelt down carefully and picked up the frail beast, tucking her wings down gently beneath his arm as he looked her over, checking the scales amongst the fur for wounds and blemishes.  His body hunched over quickly, shielding the innocent creature from the blow as a support beam came crashing down beside him.  The wood scraped and burned his arm as the building caved in, causing a deep and throaty growl to emanate from his throat.

Crisp feet sprayed sparks as he slowly walked away from his city, baby lote in tow; he could still hear the children laughing over the marvelous music.  He wandered until the ruins of Kolett were gone beyond the distance.  By the time he looked back, the snows had moved in and helped disguise the smoke and cool his damaged hooves.

It wasn't until he reached the sea that Atoli finally stopped walking.  His throbbing legs, overwhelmed by the seemingly endless journey and lack of sleep, finally gave way and sent him crashing to his knees.  The poor lote went tumbling and scrambled away from the wave that tickled her feet.  His heart fluttered inside his chest, distorting vision causing him to breathe shakily.  His animal companion braved the water to paw desperately at his hands, though her growls could not keep him from collapsing, the lengthy man falling hard against the sand as his body faltered and crumbled.

He awoke to find the tide had pushed him up the beach, his faithful beast chewing on a fish it had either caught or found.  The sun was shining beautifully, warming the cool air and his battered skin.  Sea water had cleansed the wounds and filtered ash and debris from his dry, cracked hooves.  He looked over the water, standing slowly to watch the playful young lote devour her spoils of war.

She gazed up at him and continued eating as he approached to rub her belly gently.  The affection was nearly foreign to Atoli.  Lotes were solitary, outdoor guardians who grew rapidly after their first months of life.  They protected the city nearest to their birthplace, and although their loyalty was well renowned on Caelar, the animal was never made an addition to a home and rarely allowed those it watched over to make physical contact.  

His hand swept over the soft blue and white fur covering the feline's stomach, tilting his head to the side as he watched her finish off the fish.  She kicked idly at his arm as she flexed her wings beneath her, the black, fuzzy feathers clashing arrogantly with her light coloured fur.  The wings were stubby and not yet formed, and the contrast in colours would dissipate as she allied herself with a city.

"I must go, tiny thing."

He stood slowly and looked up and down the beach before his eyes were cast to the three moons in the sky to gain his heading.  With thunderous steps he began his walk towards the Borzak city of Grennan, leaving the young creature (who paid no attention) behind.  


* * * * *


The long and arduous journey to the Borzol forest took Atoli through the ogre plains.  The cold winds roared over the rocky ground creating large snow drifts in the blizzard conditions.  Atoli's skin was prickled with frost, his hoofs heavy and frozen with packed snow; his thin, animalhide loin cloth might have seemed inadequate to anyone else.  The grunts, howls and barbaric laughs of an ogre outpost rang through his ears nearly too late as the strong gusts lulled.

The ogres, who were surrounding a primitive campfire, looked up from the flames thinking they heard movement behind them.  Atoli froze, the heavy snow concealing everything but his glistening eyes as they danced in the firelight.  The ogres slowed their approach as they spoke with eachother quietly, babbling in the Gok language.  They turned quietly and headed away from Atoli, disappearing behind the heavy snow.  He continued on quietly, taking advantage of the lulled winds.

Snow-blanketed darkness was finally broken by rays of sunlight breaking through the thick morning cloud cover.  The winds had left Atoli's ears ringing and the wounds on his chest and shoulder burning, his skin otherwise unaffected by the cold.  Early glimpses of the spring season peeked out of the feet of snow that covered the clearing ahead of him.  Some of the first flowers had already taken hold and rebelled against the brisk weather and harsh winds that ravaged this land.

He recognized the territory and remembered it well.  Kolett had been on good terms with the people of the region and he could already smell the incense on the breeze.  Following the scent, he brushed through the woodland that bordered the clearing and was greeted by the patrolling guards with deep smiles and a near painful slap on the back.  "Atoli!  You look awful!"  A sarcastic thank you reverberated telepathically through the minds of the guards and they burst into laughter, leading him into their city.

The woods had accepted the people into its grasp and homes had been built into the thick knots of the trees, the fungus adorning their bark had strengthened into platforms and stairs.  It lightened his spirits to see the children playing in the streets, the shamans communicating with the earth and the friendly barter between merchant and buyer thriving.

"Ah, my friend!"  He turned towards the voice.  Coming down from a wooden platform was a large and wondrous beast.  The body of a lithe lion stopped at the head, taken over by a muscular human torso.  His golden skin was accented with soft fur which followed a thin line to his navel.  A full head of naturally thin, tightly curled hair danced delicately about his slender face like a lush mane, accented by a groomed short beard along his jaw line.  The man's pristine smile faded and contorted to a worried frown as he approached Atoli, "You come alone."

"I do, Noro."  Tears were swelling in his eyes as he looked over his dear friend, soft, breezy voice brushing the mind of the Borzak before him.

"Come, my friend, we will tend to your wounds."  Noro lead him through the streets where he received countless greetings, all returned with a genuine nod and smiling eyes.  At the very center of the city and forest stood an ancient tree beyond measurable proportions, and it even dwarfed the other trees that seemed to soar endlessly upward; it stopped Atoli in his steps as it did each time he visited the city.  Noro looked back as he stepped into the twisted nether of the roots and smiled, "Come along."

"Of course."  He followed his friend through the maze of roots and vines.  The deep labyrinth of sprout-laden roots and fairy lights was mesmerizing.  The walls were formed of tightly wound, thin, pulsating roots which sparkled like sheets of precious minerals;  beautiful, brightly coloured fairies sat chattering in groups on the leaves and fungi growing amongst the tangles.  Wide caverns and halls lead to rooms and stairwells which continued ever reaching into the ground.

The men walked through the endless system of life in silence; they were at ease within the quiet.  Noro leaned into a door, asked for some assistance and nodded when someone replied.  

Both men had to hunch down in the final stairwell which was large enough for even the tallest of Humans on Caelar. A great, rounded room opened up at the bottom of the stairs and was filled with lush green ferns and vibrantly coloured flowers.  On the far wall was a precious gem mosaic of the likeness of Noro which the roots seemed to frame at their own accord.  

Noro smiled half heartedly and looked over his friend. His lion half laid quietly near a table of knots that grew from the ground as he reached to light a small pipe.  "Grennan has been under attack.  I sent word, though it seems it never reached you."

"Ogres?"

"I fear they have allied with someone.  They held their ground in formations, were armed with weapons other than clubs.  Metal weapons, spears, arrows even."  Atoli's face appeared to frown.  "The fawns will be here shortly to tend to your wounds."  Noro seemed to hesitate, a saddened growl in his throat.  

A small, delicate and child-like woman stepped slowly into the room, careful to make sure she wasn't interrupting.  She was human to the waist and a speckled deer from any point thereafter, much as Noro in respect to his lion body.  Her blue eyes twinkled as she bent one fawn leg to bow forward; had it been any other race, Atoli would have rejected the formality, but the Borzak would have found it an insult to do so.

Noro's people were the only race that never questioned their existence or purpose, and never followed the path of any God, only nature or 'the way of things'.  They believed the animal's body which held their Human torso was the animal to which their spirit related.  Each animal had its set place in the political food chain, yet all Borzak were equal in their own right.

The cat king rose and excused himself.  "You are leaving?"  Atoli's eyes almost seemed to shake with a tired uncertainty.  His friend smiled and continued up the stairs.

The woman bustled around quietly to the fairies lighting the room and gathered them all to the knotty table.  She seemed almost startled when she looked him over, "I apologize for staring, sir, I thought I had heard you speak."

She could see a smile on his face though there was no mouth, cheeks lifting and extending outward slightly; she swore she could even feel the smile.  The calm whisper of his voice lingered in her ears, "You did."

Her eyes widened with surprise, sheer amazement flowing over her features.  As fascinated as she was by him, he was equally with her.  He knew every animal in the Borzak race, every ability in the way of things; he knew their animal counterparts did not determine their wealth, acceptance, relationship partners or what their children would be.  The Fawns had always facinated Atoli due to their ability to heal the body through the mind and he was elated for the chance to experience the ritual.  

She whispered quietly to the fairies who dimmed their glow, and settled down before the man.  He sat down as she motioned and listened to her while she softly hummed an enchanting tune.  Her eyes lit her soft cheeks with a moon-touched glow and her fingers were warm as they danced over his exposed stomach.  He likened her touch to a warm summer breeze: velvety soft and comforting, like a much needed hug.

Pressing down on his torso, she slowly massaged her hands over his bruised midsection, gouged chest, and along the burn that stung over his shoulder.  To his surprise, her firm touch left his flesh feeling imbued with power and entirely without pain.  He watched her silently as she inhaled deeply, a quiet, whispering breath echoing in his head.  It was then he realized she was breathing for him, and her heart was beating in place of his.

Her small form rose to her feet and she placed her hands on the sides of his face, index and middle fingers pressing softly into his temples.  Atoli felt his body pulsate and a surge of icy power flow through him like a ripple effect.  The chill numbed his senses and fatigue swept over him, his vision a blur as though he had been cast into the sea.
I look forward to your opinion, suggestions, and critique. This piece means a lot to me, and it will be published upon completion, as I have a publisher lined up.

If you can, please answer the following questions:
1 - Is the chapter too long?
2 - Is there enough information to make it relatable?
3 - Is there too much information that makes it unrelatable?
4 - Is my love of adverbs overused here, does it take away from the piece or allow you to personalize the world?
5 - Is it clear the main character has no mouth and is speaking through telepathy? Do the italics help with this?
6 - Is the progression smooth?

Additional chapters:
Chapter 1: You are here.
Chapter 2: [link]
Chapter 3: [link]
Chapter 4: [link]
Chapter 5: [link]

PLEASE DO NOT STEAL THIS IN PART OR IN WHOLE. THIS IS ONE THING I WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF FOR.
© 2011 - 2024 UnderTheWildMoon
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wizillusions's avatar
When I started reading this it seemed that I had read this before. Was this deviation in your other account?