literature

The Awakening - Chapter 2

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He stood before a large monument of a Goddess, cast down to her knees as though she had been struck.  A fearful expression crossed the tender features of her enlarged portrait of obsidian, and Atoli might have sworn he could hear her cry.  Her face was familiar, stunning and precious, her voice whispered upon the breeze and called to him.  With each step towards the statue the earth pulled softly at his hoofed feet as though it wished to embrace him.  "Atoli."  He looked around slowly for the voice.

He was alone on the cliffs edge which overlooked a vast splay of Caelar.  Flakes of snow danced about his features, covered his feet and lingered on the woman of stone who towered over him.  The cold air actually chilled him, a sensation he had never felt though oddly relished in.  He turned about to look around, tensing as he gazed over the woman before him; glancing back he found the statue gone.

She smiled, her voice echoing in whispers through his mind, "Atoli, King of the People of Frost and Earth."  The snow flew around her, lifting her silken, silver hair into the air; the snow also served to dress her and hid her feet, hugging softly to her thin, defined frame.  

He found himself unable to speak as he watched her.  From the snow crawled small crisp green vines covered in delicate flowers.  They grew up his legs slowly with every breath she seemed to take and held rather than seized him; he could feel his woody hoofs spring forth roots into the ground.

The gap was closed between them as she approached, the snow fluttering high above her, sticking to wings which formed like frozen air about her; he could feel her breath as it bathed his face.  "Not yet."  She placed a frozen, pale hand on his cheek and he felt a solid, almost painful pulse from the earth.

"Not yet?"  A voice screamed as Atoli gasped with a thick inhale, a wind-sucked sound as though he had pulled air through the skin where his mouth should be.  He ran his hand over his stomach and looked down as though expecting to have seen a wound.  His body shook as he heard her gasp again, the vines on his legs clenching him tightly and withering within seconds.  Bringing his eyes back up slowly, painfully, they trailed over the runed blade protruding from the stomach of the goddess before him.  

Her body sparkled around the weapon, though dimmed slowly as she trembled.  Black vapor flowed around her as he gazed over the figure materializing behind the woman.  His appearance was uncertain and clouded in darkness and his face was barely revealed by glowing crimson eyes that looked ablaze.  A long nose looked as though it had been broken too many times, skin old and wrinkled and shiny like an onyx gem in the light.  His voice sounded as though dogs were fighting within his soul, menacing and thick like his lips should have dripped blood.  "Mathias?" she whispered.
Mathias stepped back and withdrew the blade, appearing as a shadow cloaked in a violent wind storm; the black vapor was coming from his being and a grim smile was barely able to be seen.

Atoli tried desperately to reach out to her only to see the woman wrenched back with the motion of Mathias' hands.  He felt blocked, telepathically unable to speak.  The man slashed at the woman with his weapon and she crumbled backwards as she held her stomach, "You're a fool Sanai, to think he can save us."  He impaled her again and Atoli pulled at the thorny branches.  Looking back at Atoli he twisted the blade.

Atoli tried desperately to communicate, struggling to move his legs as the man in vapor attacked his Goddess.  "Does he believe in you enough Sanai?"  Mathias pulled the woman up by the cloth on her chest as the snow around her dissipated.  "Does he even know who you are?"

She trembled in his arms, the sparkle around the wound fading as small trickles of crimson appeared.  "Don't do this, Mathias, hasn't he seen enough by y--..."  

Once more, he pushed the blade through her body slowly as she screamed.  Atoli snapped one leg out of the vines and reached for her, his eyes pleading.  Mathias looked at him, the hilt of the blade pressing against her skin, "Scream for her."  Atoli tried to vocalize, pulling the other leg free.  He rushed towards the God and Mathias reached out to grabbed the Tzarian's throat.  He raised his voice and yelled when he dropped Sanai.  He spoke slowly, loudly and firmly, "Will you scream for her?"  Tears rolled down Atoli's face as the blood stopped flowing from Sanai.  Mathias screamed again "Will you scream for her death!"  Mathias tightened his grip and Atoli held his wrists.

Atoli could feel his own wrists pulsing and a burning sensation on his face.  His breathing was rapid and he suddenly lashed out at the God before him, plunging a hand into the vapour and onto Mathias' throat.


* * * * *


Atoli flailed and clawed at his face, panic in his eyes.  Muffled sounds came from his throat and Noro fumbled a glass ritual orb he held over him and it smashed on the floor. "Atoli!"  He looked at Noro and stretched his jaw, his body tense and chest twitching as though he couldn't breath.  The lion stared at him unsure of how to help, "My friend?"
The sound in his throat became louder as the skin around his face pulled and split.  Through the broken skin flowed air as though it were cold, the frost falling down his chin as the skin formed soft lips.  Atoli trembled against a wall, screaming loudly as Noro approached him. " What witchery is this? "  He looked towards Noro and felt his face, gasping for air through his mouth.  "You have not moved, have not taken a breath or pulsed with life.  How is this possible?"  Even the gold fleshed man seemed tarnished and pale.  There was a long silence as Noro looked over his friends face.  Atoli slowed his breath and closed his mouth, still rubbing his fingers over it.  When his lips were closed, it was nearly impossible to tell anything had changed.

He sat quietly for a few moments, Noro remaining concerned but equally as quiet.  His mind whispered as Atoli spoke to him, "I was with my Godess."  

"Who?"

"Sanai."  There was complete quiet once more as Atoli looked over Noro.  He traced his hand over his mouth, attempting to form words, though it failed.  "He killed her"

Noro tilted his head, "Who?  Have the God Wars reduced to this?" He extended his hand to his friend and helped him stand, patting him gently on the shoulder.

Atoli looked scared, drained, "She called him Mathias?"  

"Lord of Darkness.  He is the manifestation of the evil on Caelar, even the Borzak who have been banished from our lands for crimes to their brethren turn to him.  It is strange he would be cast out with such power.  Perhaps this has escalated more than once thought."

Atoli was exhausted and he felt as though his knees may buckle beneath him, "I need to rest, brother."  Noro nodded and helped stabilize him as they moved through the caverns made by the roots of the great tree.  

Pushing open a door in the common space, the men stepped into a guest suite.  The walls were hardened brown clay and the ceiling was decorated with bright gems that held resting fairies and sparkled with their light.  He sat on a plush bed with brightly coloured linens and nodded at Noro when he backed out of the room.  Drawing the warm cloth bedding over his body, he laid his head on a pillow and closed his eyes.
The faces of his people and his goddess littered his mind and hindered his rest, the sound of Mathias's thick voice howled in his ears and rattled his senses.  He traced his fingers over his mouth slowly and felt the strong, straight teeth that were now in place; his two incisors were elongated and vampiric, nearly cutting his flesh as he felt them.  Finally, fatigue forced him to drift off to sleep.
I look forward to your opinion, suggestions, and critique. This piece means a lot to me, and it will be published upon completion, as I have a publisher lined up.

If you can, please answer the following questions:
1 - Is the chapter too long?
2 - Is there enough information to make it relatable?
3 - Is there too much information that makes it unrelatable?
4 - Is my love of adverbs overused here, does it take away from the piece or allow you to personalize the world?
5 - Is the progression smooth? Moving too quickly?
6 - Is there too much dialogue or not enough?
7 - Can you picture the new races?

Additional chapters:
Chapter 1: [link]
Chapter 2: You are here
Chapter 3: [link]
Chapter 4: [link]
Chapter 5: [link]

PLEASE DO NOT STEAL THIS IN PART OR IN WHOLE. THIS IS THE ONE THING I WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF FOR.
© 2011 - 2024 UnderTheWildMoon
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